Monday, July 31, 2006

China Trip July '06

InshaAllah this email reaches everyone in the best of every state.
Well, after having a 12.5 hour flight from Hong Kong we have made it
back to Cali in one piece, alhamdulillah!

Here's a quick rundown of our brief stay in China (my favorite part
being that we were able to visit a different mosque/masjid every day
of our trip): In Shanghai we visited the Oriental Pearl TV tower (the
third tallest TV tower in the World). From there we were able to see
the whole of Shanghai which is known as the most cosmopolitan city in
the world. Unfortunately, we only had one day there before moving on
to Hangzhou. We visited the West Lake and saw a beautiful pagoda, a
multistory Buddhist tower, located at the top of the mountain peering
down at the great lake. Three mini pagodas were on the actual lake
which is the picture found on 1 Chinese yen bills. Next, we drove to
Suzhou- a city Marco Polo called "the Venice of the East". We went on
a Grand Canal cruise and one part of the boat ride did remind me of a
mini-Venice due to the buildings built directly on the canal's shores.
The next day we flew to Guilin. Note: Hangzhou and Suzhou try to claim
the title of being a 'heaven on earth", but personally I would give
the prize to Guilin!

The four hour Li River Cruise in Guilin was the most breathtaking
cruise I have ever been on--it really is like traveling along a
traditional Chinese painting. "Water buffalo patrol the fields,
peasants reap rice paddies, school kids and fishermen float by on
bamboo rafts." The river is surrounded by mountain like hills and
mysterious limestone formations. It reminded me of what the Amazon
Rain forest must be like, but with hilly terrain. The region boasts
some of the most beautiful scenery in the world, and it's little
wonder why Guilin is one of the most photographed areas of China. I
was pleasantly surprised to learn that an entire Chinese Muslim
village is located on a stretch of the river--talk about an amazing
backyard view!

The next day we visited Guilin's Reed Flute Cave. It was the most
impressive cave of stalactites, stalagmites, stone pillars, stone
curtains and a variety of shapes that our tour guide pointed out. The
Chinese definitely have great imaginations! For example, we saw
formations in the shape of a 'life size snow man looking at a gigantic
Christmas tree' and a 'statue of liberty' all formed by thousands upon
thousands of years of calcium carbonate growth! That was amazing. On
the way back to our bus a group of Chinese school children surrounded
us trying to practice their English with lines such as "Do you like
Guilin? What are your hobbies? Do you like Michael Jackson? We love
him!" I just couldn't find it in myself to explain Michael's situation
in the West and his fascination with little kids....

The next day we flew to Xian, a capital city of northwest China, that
has a large Muslim population and numerous mosques. The most famous
place we visited there was Emperor Qin's 8,000 Terra Cotta
warriors and horses- one of the greatest archaelogical discoveries in
the world. The life size figures were built to form an army for the
emperor for his afterlife. Interestingly enough, 200 of his
concubines were also buried alive in order to serve him in his life to

Xian's Great Mosque, constructed in 742 AD according to stone tablets
unearthed there, was my favorite mosque in all of China. We prayed
side by side with old Chinese Muslim women who were very excited to
meet us. They didn't speak a word of English but they couldn't stop
hugging us and praying for us.

Islam in China is really fascinating. China has about 30 million
Muslims (far outnumbering the Muslims in Saudi Arabia) belonging to 10
ethnic groups and producing more than 23,000 mosques. The Muslims are
widespread in China, but particularly concentrated in the northwest of
the country. Most Chinese Muslims are Sunnis, belonging to Ahlus Sunna
wal' Jamaa, and follow Imam Abu Hanifa (ra) in matters of fiqh.

The Great Mosque itself was remarkable and absolutely stunning. One of
the oldest handwritten manuscripts of the Qur'an is preserved there.
Amazingly enough, the whole Qur'an and its Chinese translation is hand
carved in huge wooden slabs which extends from the ceiling to the
ground and decorates the full interior space of the ancient
mosque. One of the Imaams of the mosque had studied in Syria for many
years and I was able to exchange a brief dialogue with him and a
request for du'aas. There is a whole system of teachers and students
in the Great Mosque and the clothing, respect and the dignified
demeanors of the teachers really impressed me. I wish we were able to
spend more time in that locality but we had to fly to Beijing the same

The most impressive aspect of Beijing for me was the visit to third
Ming emperor, Yongle's, Forbidden City which houses 9,999 rooms.
Twenty-four emperors lived and ruled from this palace during the
500-year span. We then walked to Tian An Men Square and later visited
a Traditional Chinese Medical clinic and had Chinese doctors diagnose
us just by feeling our pulse and looking at our tongues, and then
writing prescriptions for us promising results in only 2

The following day we climbed the Great Wall of China. It is not as easy as it seems! The steps were irregular and uneven and were at least a foot apart in height. We made it halfway to 'hero's point' where we checked our pulse, bought souvenir proof of our feat, and returned content with our achievement.

The rest of our trip in Beijing comprised of full schedule meetings
for the physicians belonging to IMANA (Islamic Medical Association of
North America). I was able to attend quite a few of the lectures and
they were really interesting--ranging from traditional African neuro
surgeries to the latest medical advancements in a variety of fields.
In total, the IMANA group in China totalled 500 people and the 2 week
trip culminated in a acrobatic and gungfu show...I never realized how
flexible the human body could actually be: two Chinese girls actually
sat on their own heads!

My parents and I then flew to Hong Kong for a night before flying back
to California. Hong Kong is such a beautiful city and the ocean,
mountains and bridges reminded us of San Francisco. However, the
center of the city was extremely jam-packed and it felt as if we were
in an overcrowded Beirut (minus the bombing)..

The funniest thing occurred at the airport in San Francisco. After the customs
officer asked us the normal questions of where we travelled and if we
only visited China on this trip the officer then looked at us and
asked "so, did you stop over at any Arab countries on your return
today?" ...I really felt like saying "Yes, we decided to divert the
plane to Lebanon to pick up some falafel" ..I mean give us a break!
just because we are Muslim does not mean we have to stop in an Arab
country to conspire with its inhabitants...and God knows best

Well that was our trip in a long nutshell...

Hope to hear from you all soon,

ps Please keep the Ummah in your du' person reminded me that
it is not just the Lebanese who are being tested in all of this, it is
the rest of us who we will be asked what we did during these times and
if we prayed for all of our brothers and sisters in the world or if we
just sat back and closed our eyes...

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Connecting our Hearts to the Holy Qur'an

This is a truly inspiring and amazing article. It points out what kind of connection we NEED with the Noble Qur'an, and the rest of the chapters show us how to connect and enliven our dying (if not dead) hearts with the miracle called the Holy Qur'an. Seriously, I recommend reading the whole article and then making du'aa that Allah Ta'ala bestows us tawfiq to receive and understand the Qur'an with our hearts, bodies and minds, the way it is meant to be received, and make it a living miracle and reality in our contemporary lives. Tawfiq, insha'Allah

Read it to the me!


Way to The Quran <>
by Khurram Murad

Chapter 1: The Journey of Life

The Eternal, Living Reality

The Qur'an is the word of the Ever-living God; it has been sent down to guide man for all times to come. No book can be like it. As you come to the Qur'an, Allah speaks to you. To read the Qur'an is to hear Him, even to converse with Him, and to walk in His ways. It is the encounter of life with the Life-giver. 'God - there is no god but He, the Ever-living, the Self-subsisting (by whom all subsist). He has sent down upon you the Book with the Truth ... as a guidance unto mankind ...' (Al 'Imran 3: 2-3).

For those who heard it for the first time from the lips of the Prophet, blessings and peace be on him, the Qur'an was a living reality. They had absolutely no doubt that, through him, Allah was speaking to them. Their hearts and minds were therefore seized by it. Their eyes overflowed with tears and their bodies shivered. They found each word of it deeply relevant to their concerns and experiences, and integrated it fully into their lives. They were completely transformed by it both as individuals and as a corporate body - into a totally new, alive and life-giving entity. Those who grazed sheep, herded camels and traded petty merchandise became the leaders of mankind.

Today we have the same Qur'an with us. Millions of copies of it are in circulation. Day and night, it is ceaselessly recited. In homes, in mosques, and from pulpits. Voluminous exegetical works exist expounding its meaning. Words pour out incessantly to explain its teachings and to exhort us to live by it. Yet eyes remain dry, hearts remain unmoved, minds remain untouched, lives remain unchanged. Ignominy and degradation appear to have become the lot of the followers of the Qur'an. Why? Because we no longer read the Qur'an as a living reality. It is a sacred book, but it tells us something of the past only, concerning Muslims and Kafirs, Jews and Christians, the faithful and the hypocrites, who 'once upon a time used to be'.

Can the Qur'an, again, be a living, relevant force, as powerful for us now, 1400 years away, as it was then? This is the most crucial question that we must answer if we wish to shape our destiny afresh under the guidance of the Qur'an.

There appear, however, to be some difficulties. Not least of which has to do with the fact that the Qur'an was revealed at a certain point in time. Since then we have traveled a long way, made gigantic leaps in technological know-how, and seen considerable social changes take place in human society. Moreover, most of the followers of the Qur'an today do not know Arabic, and many who do have, little idea of the 'living' language of the Qur'an. They cannot be expected to absorb its idiom and metaphor, so essential to exploring and absorbing the depths of the Qur'anic meaning.

Yet its guidance, by its own claim, has an eternal relevance for all people, being the word of the Eternal God.

For the truth of this claim, it seems to me, it must be possible for us to receive, experience, and understand the Qur'an as its first recipients did, at least in some measure and to some degree. We seem to almost have a right to this possibility of receiving God's guidance in its fullness and with all its riches and joys. In other words, despite the historical incidence of the revelation in a particular language at a particular time and place, we should be capable of receiving the Qur'an now (because its message is eternal), capable of making its message as much a real part of our lives as it was for the first believers and with the same urgent and profound relevance for all our present concerns and experiences.

But how do we do this? To put it very forthrightly, only by entering the world of the Qur'an as if Allah were speaking to us through it now and today, and by fulfilling the necessary conditions for such an encounter.


Read the rest and benefit...even a chapter a day...Tawfiq, insha'Allah!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

In the early hours reflections

I was reading this book online "In the early hours reflections on spiritual and self development" By Khurram Murad and I was greatly inspired by his writing. I want to share couple of paragraphs from the book. This whole book is awailable online.


The first step in self development, then, is to concentrate single-mindedly on Paradise. Indeed, the one who is unsure of his destiny in life, torn between this world and the Next, like one standing with his feet in two separate boats - will be thrown off balance. Many of the difficulties that we face are due to this lack of commitment and inability to focus on the real and ultimate goal. If you can keep your focus on Janna, then everything else will be possible.

The selection of the ultimate goal of Paradise must be made consciously and may involve an absolute break with the past. To choose this new goal as the ultimate goal in one's life is in fact to choose a new life, to begin a new journey. Embark on this new journey by refreshing your wudu (ablution) and offering two rakas (units) of Salat or Prayer reminding yourself of all the punishment of Hellfire you have just resolved to avoid at all costs and all the rewards of Paradise that you will strive to achieve. Remind yourself also of the important stations and landmarks on the journey; imagine death as near; imagine the moment when the Angel of Death will declare, `your time is over, now you must follow me'; imagine that moment when you will be made to stand in the presence of Allah, Most High, so that the final judgment of life may be passed on you and imagine the consequences of that judgment. When you have completed the two rakas then resolve once more that all efforts will be directed towards achieving Paradise, beseech Allah and pray with humility:

O Allah, I ask for Your mercy and whatever brings me closer to it, in word and deed.

O Allah, I ask for a faith that will never vanish, a blessing that will never diminish, a pleasure that will never abate, and the most elevated position in Paradise distinguished by the companionship of Your Messenger, Muhammad.

While improvement in your habits and actions is a life-long process, the desire to achieve it can thus be sparked in a moment. This desire will provide the momentum for attaining your goal - the good pleasure of Allah and Paradise.

Please go through the whole book It is very inspiring.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Where's the Washing Machine?!

By Talal Sarwani

There's a very interesting worldwide phenomena taking place among the Muslim youth of today. Everyone's favorite bit of Sunnah has become the advice of the Prophet (SA'AS) to get married aysap. Alhamdulillah, the wisdom of that advice is nothing short of Divine, but the abuse of that advice is causing much trouble in the Ummah today. That trouble has manifested itself into the most hated of what is Halaal: Talaq (Divorce). Kids are getting married right and left, lost in some romanticized version of what married life seems to be about, and the second they find themselves stuck in a mud of responsibility, it's time to flip out the cell phone and SMS your significant other:

I divorce you
I divorce you
I divorce you

Indeed, it is a time of cowards.

So I set out to investigate what was causing this desperate desire for the Great Hookup. What did I find? Were the beards really growin' and the brows left un-threaded? Were the kufis being worn and the hijabs being tightened? Was the thawb and the 'abaya truly being donned? Was the scent of 'oud aromafying the surroundings? Read on, brothers and sisters, read on for the truth....

The number one danger towards the one who is single, is to be around those who have newly become doubles. It's been referred to in the past as The Fever. The Fever is not just the feeling that one needs to get hitched, it's the malady that causes such feelings simply from having attended the hitching ceremonies of all-too-many people in an all-too-short amount of time. For proof of the existence of this syndrome, please go up to any brother (Though I claim to know their perspective as well, out of respect, I shall take the fifth as far as sisters are concerned) during the summer, especially during this Summer of a Thousand Weddings. You'll hear the usual talk of empty hearts needing companionship, of guys swooning over she who looked back and if you're around one after someone else's wedding, a feeling of slight dejection rather than complete happiness for his just betrothed brother and sister. The Fever is a powerful thing, taking over the life of he or she who is stung by it, causing him or her to find themselves raising their hands to Allah every night, asking for either the filling of their empty hearts or at the very least a respite from their feelings. So, brothas and sistas, if you find yourself in this most unwanted predicament, the prescription is as follows:

Step 1: Lower your gaze

Step 2: Pray for the feeling to go away

Step 3: Lower your gaze

Step 4: Don't talk to others about your predicament (you'll realize they're in the same hole, and then the both of you will wallow in each other's misery)

Step 5: Lower your gaze

Rinse. Spit. Repeat.

InshaAllah The Fever should soon subside and all will be back to normal. HOWEVER, say the ol' heart sparks at the just barely-sighted-glance of a certain someone, then be sure to follow the following steps. Now, keep in mind this is the ONLY acceptable follow-up to that "cue the chorus" moment. Consider this your final warning not to join certain committees of certain organizations, "accidentally" finding certain someones sitting there.


Step 6: ISTIKHARA TIME!!!!!!!!

Possible Step 7 for Brothers: Be a Man. Call her parents.

Possible Step 7 for Sisters: Just sit there all coy and shy (I keed, I keed).

This prescription is signed and endorsed by Shaykh (of the Polaroid Picture kind) Ishq ibn Al-Hubbatani, so you better believe it works.

There is however a lot more that contributes to the I Think I Love You, Marry Me syndrome plaguing the Ummah today. The majority of these causes rests in the realm of what a brother once said: "Blame it on the Deen".

The Romantic Islam

As a preface to what follows, let me say that this topic includes far more than I can write about in this space, so I'm not gonna cover anything... I mean everything. There's literally an incredible amount of things that fall into The Romantic Islam, but I'll just touch upon these two of varying extremes, to give you just a taste of what I mean.

I'm using the word romantic not in the sense of an ideal, but in the plain old Qais/Majnu/Romeo and their Lailas/Juliet sense. These are those bits (according to the very doubtable research done for this) of Islam that when people gain knowledge of them, at a certain time of their lives, in that certain state of mind, all havoc lets loose, the hearts open up in need, and the shaitaan is called in for playtime. With reference to the oft-repeated hadith of the Lone Hearted: Narrated by Anas, who reported that the Prophet(SA'AS) said: When a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion... We are the creations of a Creator who knows our innards better than we know our names, so when we experience this wisdom that has been passed down to us, our hearts yell: SUBHANALLAH!!! I NEED to get married. Let's just face it, this hadith makes everyone feel good about things, and is among the greatest proliferators of Wandering Heart technology. Do note the "...", because you rarely ever hear the rest of the hadith: so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half. 'Nuff said, yo. Fo schizzle.

Sweet Nothings

Ahem, the following is a very interesting tidbit. It's something I gleaned from a brother in whom the desire to be wed was gnawing at him from the inside. We were in a room with just pillows on the floor to chill on. It of course happened to be a time of someone else's wedding, which is why I just sat relaxing after a long night of partying with the *cough*aunties*cough*. So, this brother comes up to me, with a copy of Sahih Bukhari of all things, and he prompts me to read: Volume 2, Book 21, Number 258:Narrated 'Aisha :

After offering the Sunna of the Fajr prayer, the Prophet used to talk to me, if I happened to be awake; otherwise he would lie down till the Iqama call was proclaimed (for the Fajr prayer).

"Alright", I thought, "so?". He plopped himself down onto the floor, and with a bleary-eyed look, said: "Wouldn't it be amazing to have someone to talk to when you walk up a little early for Fajr?". Let's just say he didn't take too kindly at me falling over from laughter nor my suggestion that he could always give me a call anytime he feels lonely at that hour. If you're in this state. brothers and sisters, please follow the prescription given to you above, and inshaAllah spare the rest of us from stomach-hurting hilarity.

The End of This

Alas, all great things come to an end, as must this column. I just barely touched upon what I really wanted to talk about, but my mind is not in a state of organization, so I leave you with this little conclusion. Realize that marriage isn't a joke or little fling you go through. It's a responsibility, where the third party in the trust between a husband and wife is Allah. All this talk of love and all that jazz is a distraction, so pay little attention to it. There is ONE person for whom you are meant, inshaAllah, so take care of your personal half of your deen, and Allah will provide you with the best of companionship. Take the halaal way, and you'll feel it yourself. The second the Nikah is done, the man and woman are infused with a feeling of rahmah towards each other granted to them by Allah. It's akin to that sudden mercy felt by one who has just become a parent. It's not something you can understand beforehand. There's lots of things in Islam that stir the hearts, but they are there to convince you of the correctness of the Straight Path. Don't let the shaitaan lead you astray when he discovers the state of your heart and mind. Seek refuge and establish trust in Allah, for that is the only way to keep yourself on the Sirat-Al-Mustaqeem. Someone once questioned the hurried rush to marriage seen in the Ummah, and couldn't understand how they took that step when they didn't even have a way of supporting a family. "When you're capable of getting her the washing machine, then you're ready to begin a life together". So, I humbly bow out, going back to saving a little every two weeks, so that I can inshaAllah buy whatever washing machine her heart desires <-- sarcasm alert for the troublemakers among you If I offended anyone, forgive me, inshaAllah. Oh, and to those souls who recently have been, or soon will be paired back to those they were with in Fitra, our Du'as are with you. May Allah grant you all the best in the Dunya and the Hereafter.. Ameen, Ameen, Ya Rabbil 'Alameen.

Peace out,

wa alaikum as salaam,
I'm the cool MC with a vicious sound.
I ain't from the Bronx, but I still boogie down.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

The Power of Three Little Words

Advice for a Relationship, a Marriage and Friendship

Written By Emma Shuaidi

Some of the most significant messages people deliver to one another often come in just three words. When spoken or conveyed, those statements have the power to forge new friendships, deepen old ones and restore relationships that have cooled. The following three-word phrases can enrich every relationship.

I'LL BE THERE - Being there for another person is the greatest gift we can give. When we are truly present for other people, important things happen to them and to us. We are renewed in love and friendship. We are restored emotionally and spiritually. 'Being there' is at the very core of civility.

I MISS YOU - Perhaps more marriages could be salvaged and strengthened if couples simply and sincerely said to each other, "I miss you." This powerful affirmation tells partners they are wanted, needed, desired and loved.

I RESPECT YOU - Respect is another way of showing love. Respect conveys the feeling that another person is a true equal. It is a powerful way to affirm the importance of a relationship.

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT - This phrase is highly effective in diffusing an argument and restoring frayed emotions. The flip side of "maybe you're right" is the humility of admitting "maybe I'm wrong."

PLEASE FORGIVE ME - Many broken relationships could be restored and healed if people would admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. All of us are vulnerable to faults, foibles and failures. A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.

I THANK YOU - Gratitude is an exquisite form of courtesy. People who enjoy the companionship of good, close friends are those who don't take daily courtesies for granted. They are quick to thank their friends for their many expressions of kindness. On the other hand, people whose circle of friends is severely constricted often do not have the attitude of gratitude.

COUNT ON ME - "A friend is one who walks in when others walk out," Loyalty is an essential ingredient for true friendship; it is the emotional glue that bonds people. Those who are rich in their relationships tend to be steady and true friends. When troubles come, a good friend is there, indicating "you can count on me."

LET ME HELP - The best of friends see a need and try to fill it. When they spot a hurt they do what they can to heal it. Without being asked, they pitch in and help.

I UNDERSTAND YOU - People become closer and enjoy each other more if they feel the other person accepts and understands them. Letting others know in so many little ways that you understand him or her is one of the most powerful tools for healing your relationship.

GO FOR IT - Some of your friends may be non conformists, have unique projects and unusual hobbies. Support them in pursuing their interests. Rather than urging your loved ones to conform, encourage their uniqueness-everyone has dreams that no one else has.

I suppose the 3 little words that you were expecting to see have to be reserved for those who are special; that is I LOVE YOU.

Have a great day loving yourself and loving your loved ones!

Something for the Married Folk...

Something for the Married Folk...

Enjoyed Al Hubb al 'Udree? Then this will surely be enlightening for everyone - married or not, the beneficial insight will only increase and sustain LOVE between lovers in Islam. The information is valuable for all whether married or not so do pass it on to everyone you know.

Insha'Allah through the naseeha we will alll attain Al Hubb al 'Udree [Noble Love]


So you think sending your wife to the plastic surgeon will put that spark back into the relationship? Not likely. Actually, you're the one
who needs to go to the Curv Dr.

The Curv Dr. will teach you the 6 primary love needs of women. If you fulfill these needs, the bonds of love will only strengthen.

C - Caring
U - Understanding
R - Respect
V - Validation

D - Devotion
R - Reassurance

Caring - when a husband shows interest in his wife's feelings and heartfelt concern for her well-being, she feels *cared for*.

Example: Anas ibn Malik narrates, "I saw the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam), making for her (Safiya) a kind of cushion with his
cloak behind him (on his camel). He then sat beside his camel and put his knee for Safiya to put her foot on, in order to ride (on the
camel)." [Sahih Al-Bukhari]

Understanding - When the husband listens without judgement but with empathy and relatedness to his wife expressing her feelings, she feels
heard and *understood*. Don't presume to already know your wife's thoughts or feelings when she is trying to communicate them to you.
Instead, gather meaning from what is being said.

Example: If your wife is talking about the frustrations of the day how unbearably long the line was at the supermarket, just listen to her
and when she's finished, say, "Wow, that must have really tried your patience!" Show her that you understand her feelings and can relate to
her experience. Don't say, "Ummm... You should have just used the self-checkout." Instead, just listen and show you understand without
offering solutions. Later on, when she's not venting, you can suggest that she try the self-checkout.

Respect - When the husband responds to his wife in a way that acknowledges and prioritizes her rights, wishes, and needs, she feels
*respected*. Physical expressions of respect like flowers, gifts, keeping her likes/dislikes in mind, and showing your appreciation are

Example: Make an effort to look good for her. Give her gifts - they don't have to be big or expensive. Always show her appreciation for
even the little things she does.

Validation - When the husband does not object to or argue with a woman's feelings and wants, but instead accepts and confirms their
*validity*, she feels loved. Confirm her right to feel the way she does. (You can confirm her point of view even if you have a different
point of view).

Example: Once during a journey, Safiyyah (radi Allahu 'anha) was crying because she had be made to ride a slow camel. The Prophet
(salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) didn't tell her she was being unreasonable. Instead, he wiped her tears, comforted her, and even
tried to find her another camel.

Devotion - When the husband gives priority to the wife's needs and commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her, she feels adored and
special. When she is more important to him than work, television, etc., then she feels his *devotion*.

Simple example: Look at her when she talks to you. Don't be afraid to show your devotion. The Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam)
openly stated his love for his wives.

Reassurance - To repeatedly do all of the above *reassures* the wife that she is continually loved. The husband must reassure his wife of
his love again and again.

Simple example: Give her a hug and say "I love you" 4 times a day at least.

Ok, guys, time to memorize it:


C - Caring
U - Understanding
R - Respect
V - Validation

D - Devotion
R - Reassurance


Your husband's Love Tank ran dry, the engine broke down, and now your marriage is stuck in a ditch by the side of the road? No need to
worry! Just sit back and have a nice cup of TEA while you call up Triple A to pull your marriage out of the rut.

TEA Triple A - roadside assistance for understanding the 6 primary love needs of men.

T - Trust
E - Encouragement
A - Admiration

A - Approval
A - Appreciation
A - Acceptance

Trust - When the wife's attitude is open and receptive toward her husband, he feels *trusted*. To trust a man is to believe that he is
doing his best and that he wants the best for his wife. This positive belief should be reflected by the wife's interactions with her

Example: The husband is trying to fix the kitchen sink. As he struggles with the wrench, the wife looks on and says, "Maybe you
should call a plumber..." The husband feels crushed because he thinks she doesn't trust him to do what's best for them. Instead, the wife
should refrain from giving unsolicited advice (except Islamic advice, of course).

Encouragement - When the wife expresses confidence in her husband's abilities and character, it fills him with hope and courage and he
feels *encouraged*.

Example: When the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) received the first revelation from Allah, he was terrified and sought comfort
with his wife Khadija. He said, "I fear that something may happen to me." Khadija replied, "Never! But have the glad tidings, for by Allah,
Allah will never disgrace you as you keep good relations with your kith and kin, speak the truth, help the poor and the destitute, serve
your guest generously and assist the deserving, calamity-afflicted ones." [Sahih Al-Bukhari]

Admiration - When the wife views the husband with wonder, delight, and pleased approval, the husband feels *admired*. Telling him what to do
as if he were a child does not make him feel admired. Admiration is when the wife is happily amazed by his unique characteristics or
talents like humor, strength, persistence, integrity, honesty, romance, kindness, love, understanding, etc.

Example: Once the prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) was sitting in a room with Aisha and fixing his shoes. It was very warm, and Aisha
looked to his blessed forehead and noticed that there were beads of sweat on it. She became overwhelmed by the majesty of that sight was
staring at him long enough for him to notice. He said, "What's the matter?" She replied, "If Abu Bukair Al-Huthali, the poet, saw you, he
would know that his poem was written for you." The Prophet (sallaAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam) asked, "What did he say?" She replied, "Abu
Bukair said that if you looked to the majesty of the moon, it twinkles and lights up the world for everybody to see." So the Prophet (salla
Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) got up, walked to Aisha, kissed her between the eyes, and said, "Wallahi ya Aisha, you are like that to me and

[This was narrated in Dala'el Al-Nubuwa for Imam Abu Nu'aim with isnad including Imam Bukhari and Imam Ibn Khuzaina. Can someone please check
its authenticity?]

Approval - When the wife acknowledges the goodness in her husband and expresses overall satisfaction with him, the husband receives the
*approval* he needs. An approving attitude looks for the good reasons behind what the husband does (even if she doesn't agree with the act
itself). Every man wants to be his wife's hero. The sign that he's achieved that is his wife's approval.

Example: If the wife expresses her upset feelings indirectly with rhetorical questions like, "How could you do that?" he feels she has
taken away her approval of him. He no longer feels like the good guy.

Appreciation - When the wife acknowledges having received personal benefit and value from her husband's efforts and behavior, he feels
*appreciated*. When a man is appreciated, he knows his effort is not wasted and is thus encouraged to give more.

Example: Acknowledge what your husband has done for you instead of just complaining about what he has not done. If he doesn't hear your
appreciation, he won't continue his efforts.

Acceptance - When the wife lovingly receives her husband without trying to change him, he feels *accepted*. This accepting attitude
does not mean that she believes he is perfect, but it indicates that she is not trying to improve him and that she trusts him to make his
own improvements.

Example: Don't nag him about his bad habits or try to control his behavior by sharing upset or negative feelings. Sharing feelings is
ok, but not when used to punish or manipulate.

Ok, time to memorize it:

TEA Triple A

T - Trust
E - Encouragement
A - Admiration

A - Approval
A - Appreciation
A - Acceptance

When someone criticises or disagrees with you, a small ant of hatred and antagonism is born in your heart. If you do not squash that ant at once, it might grow into a snake, or even a dragon.
-Mathnavi of Maulana Rumi