Wanna Get Married? Here's Some Advice :)

Once there was a very handsome, pious, well educated young man, whose
parents emphasised for him to get married. they had seen so many marriage
proposals, and he had turned them all down. The parents thought it was
becoming a little ridiculous or suspected that he may have someone else in
mind.

However every time the parents left the girls house, the young man would
always say "She's not the one!"

The young man only wanted a girl who was religious and practicing. (Which
was hard to find)? However one evening his mother arranged for him, to meet
a girl, who was religious, and practicing.

On that evening, the young man, and girl, were left to talk, and ask each
other questions. (As one would expect).

The young man, being a gentleman that he was allowed, the lady to ask
first. The young girl asked the young man soooo many questions. She asked
about his life, his education, his friends, his family , his habits, his
hobbies, his lifestyle, his enjoyment, his pastime, his experiences.
Basically everything.

And the young man replied to all of her questions, without tiring, and
politely, with a smile the young girl took up nearly all of the time, over
an hour, and felt bad, and asked the young man, "Do you have any questions?"
The young man said, "It's okay. I only have 3 questions."

The young girl thought, "Wow, only 3 questions. Okay, shoot."

The young man's first question was:

1) Who do you love the most in the world, someone who's love nothing would
ever overcome?

She said, "This is an easy question. my mother."

He smiled.

The second question he asked was:

2) "You said that you read a lot of Qur'an, could you tell me which surahs
you know the meaning of?"

Hearing this she went red and embarrassed and said, "I do not know the
meaning of any yet, but i am hoping to soon. InshAllah. I've just been a bit
busy."

The third question the young man asked was:

3) I have been approached for my hand in marriage, by girls that are
prettier than you, why should I marry you?

Hearing this the young girl was outraged. She stormed off to her parents
with fury and said, "I do not want to marry this man. He is insulting my
beauty and intelligence."

And the young man and his parents, were once again, left without an
agreement of marriage. This time, the young man's parents were really angry,
and said, "What did you do to anger that girl? The family were so nice and
pleasant and they were religious like you wanted. What did you ask the
girl?? Tell us! "

The young man said," Firstly, I asked her, 'Who do you love the most?' She
said her mother."
The parents said "So, what is wrong with that??"
The young man said, "No one, is Muslim, until he loves Allah, and his
Messenger(SAW) more than anyone else in the world.If a woman loves Allah and
the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) more than anyone, she will
love me and respect me, and stay faithful
to me, because of that love, and fear for Allah (swt). And we can share this
love, because this love is greater than lust for beauty."

The young man said, "Then I asked, 'You read a lot of Qur'an, can you tell
me the meaning of any surah?' She said 'No. because I haven't had time yet.'
So I thought of that hadith "ALL humans, are dead except for those who have
knowledge." She has lived 20 years and not found ANY time, to seek
knowledge, why would I marry a woman, who does not know her rights, and
responsibilities, and what will she teach my children, except how to be
negligent, because the woman IS the madrasa (school) and the best of
teachers. And a woman who has no time for Allah, will not have time for her
husband."

The third question I asked her was that a lot of girls prettier than her,
had approached me for marriage. Why should I choose her? That is why she
stormed off, getting angry.

The young man's parents said "That is a horrible thing to say, why would you
do such a thing? We are going back there to apologise."

The young man said. "I said this on purpose, to test whether she could
control her anger. The Prophet(SAW) said "Do not get angry, do not get
angry, do not angry" when asked how to become pious because anger is from
Satan. If a woman cannot control her anger with a stranger she has just
met, do you think she will be able to control it with her husband?"

So, the moral of this story is that a marriage is based on knowledge, not
looks, practice, not preaching, forgiveness, not anger spiritual love, not
lust and compromise One should look for a person who 1) Has love for Allah
(SWT) and the Messenger (SAW). 2) Has knowledge of the deen, and can act
upon it. 3) can control anger and another important and crucial factor: that
she be 4) willing to compromise. *And it goes both ways, so women seeking
a man, should look for the same things. *

-From an email

7 Important Marriage Tips

Seven Important Marriage Tips - What the Marriage Experts Say - WebMD

(Read on www.seekersdigest.org)

July 6th, 2007

7 Marriage Tips to Stay Lucky in Love - WebMD
[Fascinating, especially when one considers the Prophetic guidance related to marriage and married life. Subhan Allah.]

Recipe for a Successful Marriage

by Mufti Ebrahim Desai (db)

"Our Lord! Grant that our spouses and our offspring be a comfort to our eyes, and give us the grace to lead those who are conscious of You"
(Furqaan 74).

Q: Every human being by nature has an instinct to dispute. This instinct becomes more manifest between the husband and wife, thus leading to marital disputes. How can this instinct be controlled?

A. Consider the following ten points to control the instinct of dispute and maintain a happy marriage.

1. Fear Allah: It was the noble practice of Nabi (SAW) to conscientise the spouses about the fear for Allah before performing a Nikah by reciting the verses (Nisa v14, Ahzab v69, Aali-Imraan v101) from the Quraan. All the verses are common in the message of Taqwa (fear of Allah). The spouses will be first committed to Allah before being committed to their partner. There can be no doubt in the success of a marriage governed by the fear of Allah.

2. Never be angry at the same time: Anger is the root cause for all marital disputes. One Sahabi came to Rasulullah (SAW) and sought some advice. Rasulullah (SAW) replied, control your anger. The same advice was rendered three times. (Mishkaat pg.433; HM Saeed)

3. If one has to win an argument, let it be the other: Nabi (SAW) said: "Whoever discards an argument despite being correct shall earn a palace in the centre of Jannah. (Ibid pg.412)

4. Never shout at each other unless the house is on fire: Luqman (AS) while offering advice to his son said: " and lower your voice for verily the most disliked voice is that of a donkey". (Surah Luqman v19)

5. If you have to criticize, do it lovingly: Rasulullah (SAW) said, 'A Mu'min is a mirror for a Mu'min.' (Abu Dawud vol.2 pg.325; Imdadiyah) Advise with dignity and silently.

6. Never bring up mistakes of the past: Nabi (SAW) said: "Whoever conceals the faults of others, Allah shall conceal his faults on the day of Qiyaamah." (Mishkaat pg.429; HM Saeed)

7. Neglect the whole world rather than your marriage partner: Nabi (SAW) confirmed the advice of Salman to Abu-Darda [RA] for neglecting his wife. "Verily there is a right of your wife over you." (Nasai Hadith2391)

8. Never sleep with an argument unsettled: Abu Bakr [RA] resolved his dispute with his wife over-feeding the guests before going to bed. (Bukhari Hadith 602)

9. At least, once everyday, express your gratitude to your partner: Nabi [sallallaahu alayhi wasallam] said, 'Whoever does not show gratitude to the people has not shown gratitude to Allah.' (Abu Dawud pg.662; Karachi)

10. When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness: Nabi [sallallaahu alayhi wasallam] said, 'All the sons of Aadam commit error, and the best of those who err are those who seek forgiveness.' (Tirmidhi Hadith 2499)

The Reward For Good Husbands and Fathers

We always read about the virtues of good wives and mothers but hardly come across articles or Q&As that specifically speak about the virtues of good husbands and fathers. Mufti Abdurrahman sheds some light on the above. May Allah (swt) reward him and preserve him. Ameen

Assalamu alaykum

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious Most Merciful

Allah says in the Glorious Qur'an:

"And live with [them] in a beautiful manner. If you are then displeased with them, [then know] perhaps you like something which Allah has created abundant goodness in it (al-Qur'an 4:19).

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:

"The believer with the most perfect faith is the one who has best character and the one who is kindest to his wife"
(Sahih Muslim).

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:

"The believer should not harbor hatred towards his wife. If he dislikes something in her, then surely he will be pleased with another quality in her"
(Sahih Muslim).

Shaykh Asharaf Ali Thanwi said, commenting on the above verse:

"Brothers! when Allah has ordained these rights for women, then who can change them."

If a man fails to fulfill these rights, he will be guilty of not upholding the rights of the creation. Man should ponder over how Allah has interceded on behalf of women in the above verse.

While there may be many reasons for being displeased with One's wife, the main reason is usually bad character; this becomes a source of grief for the husband.

Nevertheless, Allah has promised that even this bad character can become a means of attaining goodness for He is All-wise and capable of doing anything. For example, she could bear you children who become the means of your salvation come qiyamah. Just ponder over how clearly the rights of women are emphasized in the above Qur'anic verse.

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:

"The best of you is the one best to his wife. I am the best among you to his wife" (Tirmidhi, Darimi).

A'isha (Allah be pleased with her) relates that a desert Arab came to the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) and remarked:

"Do you kiss your children, for we do not"" The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) replied, "What can I do if Allah has taken mercy out of your heart""
(Sahih al-Bukhari and Muslim)

Anas (Allah be pleased with him) relates that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:

"Whoever brings up and nurtures two young girls until they reach maturity will appear on the Day of Judgment in a state that he and I will be like this (and he joined his fingers together)."
(Sahih Muslim)

It is easy to gauge from here how Islam has granted so many incentives upon actions necessary for the upkeep of society.

The Spiritual Care of One's Family

Furthermore, just as it is necessary and rewarding to see to the physical and monetary needs of One's family it is even more important and rewarding to see to their spiritual (ruhani) development.

Allah says in the Glorious Qur'an:

"O people of faith, save yourself and your families from the Hellfire."
(Al-Qur'an 66:6)

Likewise, the rewards for a women are also many if she interacts well with her husband.

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said in a hadith narrated by Umm Salama (Allah be pleased with him):

"Any woman who dies with her husband pleased with her shall enter Paradise."
(Sunan al-Tirmidhi)

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said in a hadith narrated by Anas radhiyallahu anhu:

"If a women performs her five prayers, fasts the month of Ramadan, protects herself from immorality, and is obedient to her husband, she will enter into Paradise from any door she desires." (Hilya)

It is greatly rewarding to treat all the creation of Allah with gentleness and kindness. This reward (along with the responsibility) only increases when there is kinship and closeness. This makes the person into a complete believer, and he is rewarded in this life and the Hereafter.

Much of the above information was gleaned from Ashraf"s Advice on Marriage available from www.al-rashad.com and the Mishkat al-Masabih, the great hadith collection by "Allama Tabrizi" in Arabic.

This is just a sample of what rich heritage we have been left by our pious predecessors. Other marriage books and relevant chapters in hadith works like the Riyad al-Salihin (translated) and the al-Adab al-Mufrad by Imam Bukhari (translated) can be consulted for more information.

Wassalam
Abdurrahman ibn Yusuf

www.zamzamacademy.com

"Marriage = Marring?!" Winner!

Assalamualaykum wa Rahmatullah

We have a winner for the "marriage = marring?!" post! The winner, touhid, wrote:

salaamu 'alykum,

i believe by fulfilling the sunna of Marriage (by marrying), you are marring the nafs al-ammara?

Alhamdulillah, that is what I was intending as well--that by getting married you learn how to subdue your ego which incites to evil. This is further supported by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani who writes:

It is a strong confirmed sunna to get married. The hadiths about the virtues of marriage, motherhood, fatherhood, raising children, and married life are in the hundreds. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, "Marriage is from my sunna. Whoever turns away from my sunna is not of my people."

Marriage is a wonderful gift from Allah. It is also one of the best ways to subdue your self (nafs) and learn the meaning of sacrifice, sharing, and love. Turning away sinfully, however, would be if one disliked the concept of marriage, or did not marry while needing to get married. Otherwise, one is missing out on one of the keys to worldly and next-worldly joy and reward.

May Allah Ta'ala grant all of our brothers and sisters amazing spouses/partners in our lifelong journey to Him, and grant us all abundant tawfiq to strive against our nafs, our base desires, and be able to reach Him in the best of states, in this life and the next. Amin.

And Allah Ta'ala knows best.

Was'salaam,
Shamira

Marriage = Marring??

Quite randomly I came across an interesting typo:

Did you know the only difference between the word "marrying" and "marring" is a single letter...Hmm...wonder "y"? Leave a comment and let the discussion begin :)

For those who may not know:

tr.v. marred, mar·ring, mars

1. To inflict damage, especially disfiguring damage, on.
2. To impair the soundness, perfection, or integrity of; spoil.

ps - This is not meant to be a serious, philosophical discussion- but let's see what you can come up with (hopefully something positive, insha'Allah...a hint: the Nafs)

Marriage Recommendations

A professor gave his students some recommendations to consider when getting married. He said:

Ideally, the male must have more than the female in:

- height

- age

- wealth

- education

And the female must have more than the male in:

- beauty

- character

- piety

- love for children

(i.e. she must like children more then her husband because even if her husband desires to have lots of children, she will ultimately be the one who will have to look after them)

Let me know what you think!

A Wife...Your Whole World

A Talk by Shaykh Abdullah Adhami

By getting married you are not just getting a wife, you are getting your whole world. From now until the rest of your days your wife will be your partner, your companion, and your best friend.

She will share your moments, your days, and your years. She will share your joys and sorrows, your successes and failures, your dreams and your fears. When you are ill, she will take the best care of you; when you need help, she will do all she can for you;

When you have a secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she will give you the best advice. She will always be with you: when you wake up in the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be hers; during the day, she will be with you, if for a moment she is not with you by her physical body, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with all her heart, mind, and soul; when you go to sleep at night, the last thing your eyes will see will be her; and when you are asleep you will still see her in your dreams. In short, she will be your whole world and you will be her whole world.

The best description that I personally have ever read describing the closeness of the spouses to each other is the Qur'anic verse which says: "they are your garments and you are their garments" (Surah Al Baqarah 2:187). Indeed, spouses are like garments to each other because they provide one another with the protection, the comfort, the cover, the support, and the adornment that garments provide to humans. Just imagine a journey in the winter of Alaska without garments! Our spouses provide us with the same level of comfort, protection, cover, and support in the journey of our lives on this earth as garments would do in the Alaskan journey.

The relationship between the spouses is the most amazing of all human relations: the amount of love and affection, intimacy and closeness, mercy and compassion, peace and tranquillity that fills the hearts of the spouses is simply inexplicable. The only rational explanation for these most amazing of all human feelings is that: it is an act of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala, "And Allah has made for you Mates (and Companions) of your own nature ..." (Surah Al Nahl 16:72)

Only our Almighty Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala in His Infinite Power, Boundless Mercy, and Great Wisdom can create and ingrain these amazing and blessed feelings in the hearts of the spouses. In fact Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is reminding those who search for His signs in the universe that these feelings in the hearts of the spouses are among the signs that should guide humans to His existence as He says in the Qur'an, "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: verily in that are signs for those who reflect." (Surah Al Rum 30:21)

But Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala knows that the human heart is not a static entity, it is sometimes weak and at times dynamic. Feelings can and do change with time. Love may wither and fade away. The marital bond might weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness in marriage cannot be taken for granted; continuous happiness requires constant giving from both sides. For the tree of marital love to remain alive and keep growing, the soil has to be sustained, maintained, watered and nurtured.

Remember that our Prophet Muhammad Salallaahu 'Alayhi wa'sallaam had found the time to go out to the desert and race with his wife Aisha. She out ran him but later after she had gained some weight, he out ran her.

Remember that you will be rewarded by Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala for any emotions you show to your wife as the Prophet Salallaahu 'Alayhi wa'sallaam said "one would be rewarded for anything that he does seeking the pleasure of Allah even the food that he puts in the mouth of his wife."

Never underestimate the importance of seemingly little things as putting food in your wife's mouth, opening the car's door for her, etc. Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam used to extend his knee to his wife to assist her up to ride the camel.

Try to always find some time for both of you to pray together. Strengthening the bond between you and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is the best guarantee that your own marital bond would always remain strong. Having peace with Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala will always result in having more peace at home.

Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam gave glad tidings for those couples who wake up at night to pray together. The Prophet Salallaahu 'alayhi wa'sallaam even urged the spouse who rises up first to wake the other spouse up even by throwing cold water on his/her face.

Always try your best to be good to your wife by words and by deeds. Talk to her, smile to her, seek her advice, ask for her opinion, spend quality time with her and always remember that the Prophet Salallaahu `Alayhi wa'sallaam said "the best of you are those who are best to their wives."

Finally, it is common that spouses vow to love and honor their spouses until death do them part. I do believe that this vow is good or even great, but not enough! It is not enough that you love your wife. You have to love what she loves as well. Her family and her loved ones must also become your loved ones. Don't be like my colleague who was unhappy about his wife's parents coming to visit for few weeks. He candidly said to her "I don't like your parents."

Naturally, she angrily looked at him straight in the eye and said " I don't like yours either"... Also, it is not enough that you love her until death do you part. Love should never end and we do believe there is life after death where those who did righteousness in this world will be joined by their spouses (Surah Al Zukhruf 43:70) and offsprings.

The best example in this regard is the Prophet Salallaahu 'alayhi wa'sallaam whose love for Khadija, his wife of 25 years extended to include all those she loved and continued even after her death. It was many years after her death and he never forgot her and whenever a goat was slaughtered in his house he would send portions of it to Khadija's family and friends and whenever he felt that the visitor at the door might be Khadija's sister Hala, he would pray saying "O Allah let it be Hala."

Half of your Faith

An excellent article by Tariq Ramadaan that illustrates marriage is not a self-subsisting and self-improving entity, rather it is an endeavor that must be constantly worked on; a precious metal which must be constantly polished. And Divine assistance (tawfiq) is only from Allah.

***

How many men and women prepare themselves to live as a couple, as a family?

Some think about it, others are already committed to it. We hear of stories... and one is sometimes moved by the expectations and hopes of some, and sometimes saddened by the painful life experiences of others. Perhaps you are also, sisters and brothers, preparing yourselves to engage in this life experience of marriage, known as half of your faith. Or perhaps you have already started sharing your life with someone. In this, your expectations, thank God, were more than met but sometimes doubts have emerged. This... is not what you had expected.

Brothers and sisters, nothing should be idealized.

The perfect husband or the perfect wife only exists in your dreams. God has given you, as He has given others, noble qualities and intelligence. God has given you, as He has given others, faults and deficiencies. Perfection is not given to you or any human being.

It is not enough to share the same faith, the same principles and the same hopes to make an ideal couple. How many young couples have been under the illusion that their future life will be harmonious as if being Muslim was enough for a successful marriage? As if their union was based solely on the meeting of two worlds founded on the same principles that one respects or on the rules which one applies.

This illusion, which yesterday promised a small earthly paradise, today makes life a diffi cult struggle How many speak about "the principles of marriage in Islam" and actually live the reality of a torn, ravaged and frustrated existence?

Today, more than ever, living as a married couple has become a real challenge. Around us, men and women meet and leave each other in a modern society in which they confuse freedom and the absence of accountability as love and flexibility.

Living as a couple is not without its challenges - preparing yourself, learning and constantly trying to reach out to the other with patience, depth and tenderness. Although it is true that the principles of Islam bring you together, or will bring you together, you must remember each day that the person with whom you share your life comes with his or her own history, wounds, sensitivities and hopes. Learn to listen, to understand, to observe, to accompany.

Living as a couple is the greatest of tests: a test of patience, of attention, of the ability to listen for unspoken words, of self-control, of mending one's faults, of healing the wounds. In each of these tests, there are two parties. It isn't easy. A meaningful effort has to be grounded in the deepest sense of spirituality, a jihad, in the most intense meaning of the term. The jihad of love which reminds that feelings have to be taken care of. They are maintained, deepened, rooted through your shared challenges and your patience

Patience and attention to the hearts, in a couple, will lead them towards the light, God willing. Remember, brothers and sisters, the last of the Prophets (peace be on him), an example for eternity, so attentive, so tender, and so patient. He did not only remind the Umma of principles, he enlightened with his presence, his listening, and his love.

Before being the mother of his children, his wife was a woman, his spouse, a person he discovered each day, a person whom he accompanied and who accompanied him; subject of his attention, a testimony of his love. He knew the meaning of silence, the power of a touch, the complicity of a shared glance, the pleasure in a smile, and the kindness found in being attentive.

There are those who idealize the other so much they never really see their partners and those who leave each other too quickly without taking the time to know each other. We are reminded of the principles Islam, its depth, its spirituality, its essence. Living as a couple, forming a relationship, being patient in adversity, loving to the extent of enduring, grounding by way of reforming is an initiation to spirituality. Knowing how to be one with God assures greater comfort in being together as two. A challenge, a test, far from the ideal, close to reality.

Sisters and brothers, you must prepare yourselves to live one of the most beautiful tests of life. It requires all from you, your heart, your conscience, and your efforts. The road i s long. One must learn to demand, to share, and to forgive...indefinitely.

Of the things permitted by God, divorce is the most detested. Living as a couple is difficult: remember that your wife is woman before being the mother of your children; remember that your husband is a man before being the father of your children. Know how to live as a couple, within your family...in front of God and in front of your children.

This meeting place, these efforts will result in a sense of protection: They are your garments and you are their garments. Know how to be patient, learn how to be affectionate, offer forgiveness, and you will attain the spirituality of the protected, the proximity of the ones that are close. Faith then becomes your source of light and "his or her" presence, becomes your source of protection; the test of your heart, the energy of your love, half of your faith.

I pray to God that this love be the school of your efforts and the light of your patience.

Tariq Ramadaan

Where's the Washing Machine?!

By Talal Sarwani

There's a very interesting worldwide phenomena taking place among the Muslim youth of today. Everyone's favorite bit of Sunnah has become the advice of the Prophet (SA'AS) to get married aysap. Alhamdulillah, the wisdom of that advice is nothing short of Divine, but the abuse of that advice is causing much trouble in the Ummah today. That trouble has manifested itself into the most hated of what is Halaal: Talaq (Divorce). Kids are getting married right and left, lost in some romanticized version of what married life seems to be about, and the second they find themselves stuck in a mud of responsibility, it's time to flip out the cell phone and SMS your significant other:

I divorce you
I divorce you
I divorce you

Indeed, it is a time of cowards.

So I set out to investigate what was causing this desperate desire for the Great Hookup. What did I find? Were the beards really growin' and the brows left un-threaded? Were the kufis being worn and the hijabs being tightened? Was the thawb and the 'abaya truly being donned? Was the scent of 'oud aromafying the surroundings? Read on, brothers and sisters, read on for the truth....

The number one danger towards the one who is single, is to be around those who have newly become doubles. It's been referred to in the past as The Fever. The Fever is not just the feeling that one needs to get hitched, it's the malady that causes such feelings simply from having attended the hitching ceremonies of all-too-many people in an all-too-short amount of time. For proof of the existence of this syndrome, please go up to any brother (Though I claim to know their perspective as well, out of respect, I shall take the fifth as far as sisters are concerned) during the summer, especially during this Summer of a Thousand Weddings. You'll hear the usual talk of empty hearts needing companionship, of guys swooning over she who looked back and if you're around one after someone else's wedding, a feeling of slight dejection rather than complete happiness for his just betrothed brother and sister. The Fever is a powerful thing, taking over the life of he or she who is stung by it, causing him or her to find themselves raising their hands to Allah every night, asking for either the filling of their empty hearts or at the very least a respite from their feelings. So, brothas and sistas, if you find yourself in this most unwanted predicament, the prescription is as follows:

Step 1: Lower your gaze

Step 2: Pray for the feeling to go away

Step 3: Lower your gaze

Step 4: Don't talk to others about your predicament (you'll realize they're in the same hole, and then the both of you will wallow in each other's misery)

Step 5: Lower your gaze

Rinse. Spit. Repeat.

InshaAllah The Fever should soon subside and all will be back to normal. HOWEVER, say the ol' heart sparks at the just barely-sighted-glance of a certain someone, then be sure to follow the following steps. Now, keep in mind this is the ONLY acceptable follow-up to that "cue the chorus" moment. Consider this your final warning not to join certain committees of certain organizations, "accidentally" finding certain someones sitting there.


BONUS:

Step 6: ISTIKHARA TIME!!!!!!!!

Possible Step 7 for Brothers: Be a Man. Call her parents.

Possible Step 7 for Sisters: Just sit there all coy and shy (I keed, I keed).

This prescription is signed and endorsed by Shaykh (of the Polaroid Picture kind) Ishq ibn Al-Hubbatani, so you better believe it works.

There is however a lot more that contributes to the I Think I Love You, Marry Me syndrome plaguing the Ummah today. The majority of these causes rests in the realm of what a brother once said: "Blame it on the Deen".

The Romantic Islam

As a preface to what follows, let me say that this topic includes far more than I can write about in this space, so I'm not gonna cover anything... I mean everything. There's literally an incredible amount of things that fall into The Romantic Islam, but I'll just touch upon these two of varying extremes, to give you just a taste of what I mean.

I'm using the word romantic not in the sense of an ideal, but in the plain old Qais/Majnu/Romeo and their Lailas/Juliet sense. These are those bits (according to the very doubtable research done for this) of Islam that when people gain knowledge of them, at a certain time of their lives, in that certain state of mind, all havoc lets loose, the hearts open up in need, and the shaitaan is called in for playtime. With reference to the oft-repeated hadith of the Lone Hearted: Narrated by Anas, who reported that the Prophet(SA'AS) said: When a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion... We are the creations of a Creator who knows our innards better than we know our names, so when we experience this wisdom that has been passed down to us, our hearts yell: SUBHANALLAH!!! I NEED to get married. Let's just face it, this hadith makes everyone feel good about things, and is among the greatest proliferators of Wandering Heart technology. Do note the "...", because you rarely ever hear the rest of the hadith: so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half. 'Nuff said, yo. Fo schizzle.

Sweet Nothings

Ahem, the following is a very interesting tidbit. It's something I gleaned from a brother in whom the desire to be wed was gnawing at him from the inside. We were in a room with just pillows on the floor to chill on. It of course happened to be a time of someone else's wedding, which is why I just sat relaxing after a long night of partying with the *cough*aunties*cough*. So, this brother comes up to me, with a copy of Sahih Bukhari of all things, and he prompts me to read: Volume 2, Book 21, Number 258:Narrated 'Aisha :

After offering the Sunna of the Fajr prayer, the Prophet used to talk to me, if I happened to be awake; otherwise he would lie down till the Iqama call was proclaimed (for the Fajr prayer).

"Alright", I thought, "so?". He plopped himself down onto the floor, and with a bleary-eyed look, said: "Wouldn't it be amazing to have someone to talk to when you walk up a little early for Fajr?". Let's just say he didn't take too kindly at me falling over from laughter nor my suggestion that he could always give me a call anytime he feels lonely at that hour. If you're in this state. brothers and sisters, please follow the prescription given to you above, and inshaAllah spare the rest of us from stomach-hurting hilarity.

The End of This

Alas, all great things come to an end, as must this column. I just barely touched upon what I really wanted to talk about, but my mind is not in a state of organization, so I leave you with this little conclusion. Realize that marriage isn't a joke or little fling you go through. It's a responsibility, where the third party in the trust between a husband and wife is Allah. All this talk of love and all that jazz is a distraction, so pay little attention to it. There is ONE person for whom you are meant, inshaAllah, so take care of your personal half of your deen, and Allah will provide you with the best of companionship. Take the halaal way, and you'll feel it yourself. The second the Nikah is done, the man and woman are infused with a feeling of rahmah towards each other granted to them by Allah. It's akin to that sudden mercy felt by one who has just become a parent. It's not something you can understand beforehand. There's lots of things in Islam that stir the hearts, but they are there to convince you of the correctness of the Straight Path. Don't let the shaitaan lead you astray when he discovers the state of your heart and mind. Seek refuge and establish trust in Allah, for that is the only way to keep yourself on the Sirat-Al-Mustaqeem. Someone once questioned the hurried rush to marriage seen in the Ummah, and couldn't understand how they took that step when they didn't even have a way of supporting a family. "When you're capable of getting her the washing machine, then you're ready to begin a life together". So, I humbly bow out, going back to saving a little every two weeks, so that I can inshaAllah buy whatever washing machine her heart desires <-- sarcasm alert for the troublemakers among you If I offended anyone, forgive me, inshaAllah. Oh, and to those souls who recently have been, or soon will be paired back to those they were with in Fitra, our Du'as are with you. May Allah grant you all the best in the Dunya and the Hereafter.. Ameen, Ameen, Ya Rabbil 'Alameen.

Peace out,
wa alaikum as salaam,
I'm the cool MC with a vicious sound.
I ain't from the Bronx, but I still boogie down.

The Power of Three Little Words

Advice for a Relationship, a Marriage and Friendship

Written By Emma Shuaidi

Some of the most significant messages people deliver to one another often come in just three words. When spoken or conveyed, those statements have the power to forge new friendships, deepen old ones and restore relationships that have cooled. The following three-word phrases can enrich every relationship.

I'LL BE THERE - Being there for another person is the greatest gift we can give. When we are truly present for other people, important things happen to them and to us. We are renewed in love and friendship. We are restored emotionally and spiritually. 'Being there' is at the very core of civility.

I MISS YOU - Perhaps more marriages could be salvaged and strengthened if couples simply and sincerely said to each other, "I miss you." This powerful affirmation tells partners they are wanted, needed, desired and loved.

I RESPECT YOU - Respect is another way of showing love. Respect conveys the feeling that another person is a true equal. It is a powerful way to affirm the importance of a relationship.

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT - This phrase is highly effective in diffusing an argument and restoring frayed emotions. The flip side of "maybe you're right" is the humility of admitting "maybe I'm wrong."

PLEASE FORGIVE ME - Many broken relationships could be restored and healed if people would admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. All of us are vulnerable to faults, foibles and failures. A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.

I THANK YOU - Gratitude is an exquisite form of courtesy. People who enjoy the companionship of good, close friends are those who don't take daily courtesies for granted. They are quick to thank their friends for their many expressions of kindness. On the other hand, people whose circle of friends is severely constricted often do not have the attitude of gratitude.

COUNT ON ME - "A friend is one who walks in when others walk out," Loyalty is an essential ingredient for true friendship; it is the emotional glue that bonds people. Those who are rich in their relationships tend to be steady and true friends. When troubles come, a good friend is there, indicating "you can count on me."

LET ME HELP - The best of friends see a need and try to fill it. When they spot a hurt they do what they can to heal it. Without being asked, they pitch in and help.

I UNDERSTAND YOU - People become closer and enjoy each other more if they feel the other person accepts and understands them. Letting others know in so many little ways that you understand him or her is one of the most powerful tools for healing your relationship.

GO FOR IT - Some of your friends may be non conformists, have unique projects and unusual hobbies. Support them in pursuing their interests. Rather than urging your loved ones to conform, encourage their uniqueness-everyone has dreams that no one else has.

I suppose the 3 little words that you were expecting to see have to be reserved for those who are special; that is I LOVE YOU.

Have a great day loving yourself and loving your loved ones!

Something for the Married Folk...

Something for the Married Folk...

www.weneedtounite.com

Enjoyed Al Hubb al 'Udree? Then this will surely be enlightening for everyone - married or not, the beneficial insight will only increase and sustain LOVE between lovers in Islam. The information is valuable for all whether married or not so do pass it on to everyone you know.

Insha'Allah through the naseeha we will alll attain Al Hubb al 'Udree [Noble Love]


FOR THE MAN:

So you think sending your wife to the plastic surgeon will put that spark back into the relationship? Not likely. Actually, you're the one
who needs to go to the Curv Dr.

The Curv Dr. will teach you the 6 primary love needs of women. If you fulfill these needs, the bonds of love will only strengthen.

C - Caring
U - Understanding
R - Respect
V - Validation

D - Devotion
R - Reassurance


Caring - when a husband shows interest in his wife's feelings and heartfelt concern for her well-being, she feels *cared for*.

Example: Anas ibn Malik narrates, "I saw the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam), making for her (Safiya) a kind of cushion with his
cloak behind him (on his camel). He then sat beside his camel and put his knee for Safiya to put her foot on, in order to ride (on the
camel)." [Sahih Al-Bukhari]


Understanding - When the husband listens without judgement but with empathy and relatedness to his wife expressing her feelings, she feels
heard and *understood*. Don't presume to already know your wife's thoughts or feelings when she is trying to communicate them to you.
Instead, gather meaning from what is being said.

Example: If your wife is talking about the frustrations of the day how unbearably long the line was at the supermarket, just listen to her
and when she's finished, say, "Wow, that must have really tried your patience!" Show her that you understand her feelings and can relate to
her experience. Don't say, "Ummm... You should have just used the self-checkout." Instead, just listen and show you understand without
offering solutions. Later on, when she's not venting, you can suggest that she try the self-checkout.

Respect - When the husband responds to his wife in a way that acknowledges and prioritizes her rights, wishes, and needs, she feels
*respected*. Physical expressions of respect like flowers, gifts, keeping her likes/dislikes in mind, and showing your appreciation are
essential.

Example: Make an effort to look good for her. Give her gifts - they don't have to be big or expensive. Always show her appreciation for
even the little things she does.

Validation - When the husband does not object to or argue with a woman's feelings and wants, but instead accepts and confirms their
*validity*, she feels loved. Confirm her right to feel the way she does. (You can confirm her point of view even if you have a different
point of view).

Example: Once during a journey, Safiyyah (radi Allahu 'anha) was crying because she had be made to ride a slow camel. The Prophet
(salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) didn't tell her she was being unreasonable. Instead, he wiped her tears, comforted her, and even
tried to find her another camel.

Devotion - When the husband gives priority to the wife's needs and commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her, she feels adored and
special. When she is more important to him than work, television, etc., then she feels his *devotion*.

Simple example: Look at her when she talks to you. Don't be afraid to show your devotion. The Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam)
openly stated his love for his wives.

Reassurance - To repeatedly do all of the above *reassures* the wife that she is continually loved. The husband must reassure his wife of
his love again and again.

Simple example: Give her a hug and say "I love you" 4 times a day at least.

Ok, guys, time to memorize it:

CURV DR.

C - Caring
U - Understanding
R - Respect
V - Validation

D - Devotion
R - Reassurance


FOR THE WOMAN:

Your husband's Love Tank ran dry, the engine broke down, and now your marriage is stuck in a ditch by the side of the road? No need to
worry! Just sit back and have a nice cup of TEA while you call up Triple A to pull your marriage out of the rut.

TEA Triple A - roadside assistance for understanding the 6 primary love needs of men.

T - Trust
E - Encouragement
A - Admiration

A - Approval
A - Appreciation
A - Acceptance


Trust - When the wife's attitude is open and receptive toward her husband, he feels *trusted*. To trust a man is to believe that he is
doing his best and that he wants the best for his wife. This positive belief should be reflected by the wife's interactions with her
husband.

Example: The husband is trying to fix the kitchen sink. As he struggles with the wrench, the wife looks on and says, "Maybe you
should call a plumber..." The husband feels crushed because he thinks she doesn't trust him to do what's best for them. Instead, the wife
should refrain from giving unsolicited advice (except Islamic advice, of course).

Encouragement - When the wife expresses confidence in her husband's abilities and character, it fills him with hope and courage and he
feels *encouraged*.

Example: When the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) received the first revelation from Allah, he was terrified and sought comfort
with his wife Khadija. He said, "I fear that something may happen to me." Khadija replied, "Never! But have the glad tidings, for by Allah,
Allah will never disgrace you as you keep good relations with your kith and kin, speak the truth, help the poor and the destitute, serve
your guest generously and assist the deserving, calamity-afflicted ones." [Sahih Al-Bukhari]

Admiration - When the wife views the husband with wonder, delight, and pleased approval, the husband feels *admired*. Telling him what to do
as if he were a child does not make him feel admired. Admiration is when the wife is happily amazed by his unique characteristics or
talents like humor, strength, persistence, integrity, honesty, romance, kindness, love, understanding, etc.

Example: Once the prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) was sitting in a room with Aisha and fixing his shoes. It was very warm, and Aisha
looked to his blessed forehead and noticed that there were beads of sweat on it. She became overwhelmed by the majesty of that sight was
staring at him long enough for him to notice. He said, "What's the matter?" She replied, "If Abu Bukair Al-Huthali, the poet, saw you, he
would know that his poem was written for you." The Prophet (sallaAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam) asked, "What did he say?" She replied, "Abu
Bukair said that if you looked to the majesty of the moon, it twinkles and lights up the world for everybody to see." So the Prophet (salla
Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) got up, walked to Aisha, kissed her between the eyes, and said, "Wallahi ya Aisha, you are like that to me and
more."

[This was narrated in Dala'el Al-Nubuwa for Imam Abu Nu'aim with isnad including Imam Bukhari and Imam Ibn Khuzaina. Can someone please check
its authenticity?]

Approval - When the wife acknowledges the goodness in her husband and expresses overall satisfaction with him, the husband receives the
*approval* he needs. An approving attitude looks for the good reasons behind what the husband does (even if she doesn't agree with the act
itself). Every man wants to be his wife's hero. The sign that he's achieved that is his wife's approval.

Example: If the wife expresses her upset feelings indirectly with rhetorical questions like, "How could you do that?" he feels she has
taken away her approval of him. He no longer feels like the good guy.

Appreciation - When the wife acknowledges having received personal benefit and value from her husband's efforts and behavior, he feels
*appreciated*. When a man is appreciated, he knows his effort is not wasted and is thus encouraged to give more.

Example: Acknowledge what your husband has done for you instead of just complaining about what he has not done. If he doesn't hear your
appreciation, he won't continue his efforts.

Acceptance - When the wife lovingly receives her husband without trying to change him, he feels *accepted*. This accepting attitude
does not mean that she believes he is perfect, but it indicates that she is not trying to improve him and that she trusts him to make his
own improvements.

Example: Don't nag him about his bad habits or try to control his behavior by sharing upset or negative feelings. Sharing feelings is
ok, but not when used to punish or manipulate.


Ok, time to memorize it:

TEA Triple A

T - Trust
E - Encouragement
A - Admiration

A - Approval
A - Appreciation
A - Acceptance



--
When someone criticises or disagrees with you, a small ant of hatred and antagonism is born in your heart. If you do not squash that ant at once, it might grow into a snake, or even a dragon.
-Mathnavi of Maulana Rumi

Extravagant Weddings...from $25,000?!

You have to check out the video below!

The brother's recap of Muslim weddings is hilarious and oh so true! I hope he's not speaking from a painful, and costly, experience? Yikes...may God save us all...!

You can view the video on this blog: www.xanga.com/emam or at the actual site: http://ummahfilms.blogspot.com/

Let me know what you think!

Below is a relevant article which ties it all together:

Marriage: keep it simple and win!

Sikander Ziad Hashmi, sunniforum.com


As the summer passes, the sweet scent of matrimony flows in the air. When it’s all over, thousands of Muslims will have said “Yes, I accepted”, “Qabilto”, or “Jee maynay qubool kiya.”

Every time I picture a marriage ceremony, I think of fancily dressed people holed up in a fancy banquet hall, listening to a speaker as he rambles on, and on, and on, as the catering personnel run around to get the food ready.

While there’s nothing terribly wrong with any of the above, is it really needed?

In Islam, the institution of marriage is a sacred one, yet a simple one.

It is sacred because it is an act of worship and it’s simple because our role model, the Prophet (SAW), always kept it simple.

Marriage is a major step in one’s life. It’s a matter of great responsibility that should by no mean be taken lightly. However, it shouldn’t be complicated to the point if one doesn’t have enough cash to hold an elaborate ceremony with hundreds of guests, one can’t get married.

Quite simply, a marriage in Islam is solemnized by a nikah (marriage contract) and a waleemah (marriage feast) that follows once the marriage has been consummated.

The nikah constitutes of a proposal from one party (eejab) and acceptance from another (qubool) in the presence of witnesses. The walimah is simply a dinner to celebrate the marriage, since marriage is, after all, a joyous occasion.

The nikah can be held at the local masjid or at home, while the walimah can be anywhere: one’s apartment, backyard, or basement, the local masjid, a park, a restaurant, a community center, or anywhere else.

As well, on the occasions of nikah and walimah, long speeches and an elaborate program are not required. Remember, simple is beautiful!

Nowadays, we seem to have been so caught up in rituals and customs that we tend to waste enormous amounts of money and time on things that simply aren’t needed. Nikah and walimah are both sunnahs (traditions) of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW), so doesn’t it make sense to try to commemorate these occasions in the same fashion as he did?

Anas (RA) describes one of the walimahs hosted by the Prophet (SAW):

“The Prophet stayed for three days at a place between Khaibar and Medina, and there he consummated his marriage with Safiyya bint Huyay (RA). I invited the Muslims to a banquet which included neither meat nor bread. The Prophet (SAW) ordered for the leather dining sheets to be spread, and then dates, dried yogurt and butter were provided over it, and that was the Walima (banquet) of the Prophet (SAW).” (Reported by Bukhari)

In another report, Anas (RA) says that the Prophet (SAW) “gave a wedding banquet with Hais (a sort of sweet dish made from butter, cheese and dates).” (Reported by Bukhari)

There is nothing wrong with having an elaborate ceremony in a fancy banquet hall and full-course meal prepared by a caterer, but the fact of the matter is that neither of these are requirements for a successful marriage ceremony. If one wishes to hold the ceremony in a banquet hall with a full-course meal, that’s perfectly fine, but it shouldn’t be taken as a requirement.

I’m sure many of us loan large sums of money just so we can host fancy receptions for our weddings. Or even if we spend extravagant amounts of our own money, it’s sad because there are so many better uses for our hard-earned money. After all, the amount of money spent on the ceremony has no positive effect on the life of the couple.

The Prophet (SAW) is reported to have said:

“The marriage which is most greatly blessed is the one which is the lightest in burden [expense]. However, if people are well catered for, without extravagance and show, there is no problem with that either.” (Reported by Bayhaqi)

For sure, marriage an occasion to celebrate, but why waste enormous amounts of money on a celebration? It’s definitely not how our beloved Prophet Muhammad (SAW) celebrated. In fact, wasting Allah’s bounties is something Allah has warned us against:

“But waste not by excess: for Allah loves not the wasters.” (Quran, 6:141)

It can be difficult to swim against the tide of fancy and extravagant marriages, but surely, it’s worth swimming against the tides that go against Allah’s command and the example set by the Prophet (SAW).

Let’s save all that money and keep it for better uses. That money is sure to be in demand once the honeymoon is over and the actual daily routine sets in.

If we do that with the right intention, we’ll end up saving money and at the same time, we’ll be adding to our good-deed account as well.

After all, who can’t use some extra cash, some extra good deeds, and a greatly blessed marriage (since the most greatly blessed marriage is the one that lightest in expense)?