Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Something for the Married Folk...

Something for the Married Folk...

Enjoyed Al Hubb al 'Udree? Then this will surely be enlightening for everyone - married or not, the beneficial insight will only increase and sustain LOVE between lovers in Islam. The information is valuable for all whether married or not so do pass it on to everyone you know.

Insha'Allah through the naseeha we will alll attain Al Hubb al 'Udree [Noble Love]


So you think sending your wife to the plastic surgeon will put that spark back into the relationship? Not likely. Actually, you're the one
who needs to go to the Curv Dr.

The Curv Dr. will teach you the 6 primary love needs of women. If you fulfill these needs, the bonds of love will only strengthen.

C - Caring
U - Understanding
R - Respect
V - Validation

D - Devotion
R - Reassurance

Caring - when a husband shows interest in his wife's feelings and heartfelt concern for her well-being, she feels *cared for*.

Example: Anas ibn Malik narrates, "I saw the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam), making for her (Safiya) a kind of cushion with his
cloak behind him (on his camel). He then sat beside his camel and put his knee for Safiya to put her foot on, in order to ride (on the
camel)." [Sahih Al-Bukhari]

Understanding - When the husband listens without judgement but with empathy and relatedness to his wife expressing her feelings, she feels
heard and *understood*. Don't presume to already know your wife's thoughts or feelings when she is trying to communicate them to you.
Instead, gather meaning from what is being said.

Example: If your wife is talking about the frustrations of the day how unbearably long the line was at the supermarket, just listen to her
and when she's finished, say, "Wow, that must have really tried your patience!" Show her that you understand her feelings and can relate to
her experience. Don't say, "Ummm... You should have just used the self-checkout." Instead, just listen and show you understand without
offering solutions. Later on, when she's not venting, you can suggest that she try the self-checkout.

Respect - When the husband responds to his wife in a way that acknowledges and prioritizes her rights, wishes, and needs, she feels
*respected*. Physical expressions of respect like flowers, gifts, keeping her likes/dislikes in mind, and showing your appreciation are

Example: Make an effort to look good for her. Give her gifts - they don't have to be big or expensive. Always show her appreciation for
even the little things she does.

Validation - When the husband does not object to or argue with a woman's feelings and wants, but instead accepts and confirms their
*validity*, she feels loved. Confirm her right to feel the way she does. (You can confirm her point of view even if you have a different
point of view).

Example: Once during a journey, Safiyyah (radi Allahu 'anha) was crying because she had be made to ride a slow camel. The Prophet
(salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) didn't tell her she was being unreasonable. Instead, he wiped her tears, comforted her, and even
tried to find her another camel.

Devotion - When the husband gives priority to the wife's needs and commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her, she feels adored and
special. When she is more important to him than work, television, etc., then she feels his *devotion*.

Simple example: Look at her when she talks to you. Don't be afraid to show your devotion. The Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam)
openly stated his love for his wives.

Reassurance - To repeatedly do all of the above *reassures* the wife that she is continually loved. The husband must reassure his wife of
his love again and again.

Simple example: Give her a hug and say "I love you" 4 times a day at least.

Ok, guys, time to memorize it:


C - Caring
U - Understanding
R - Respect
V - Validation

D - Devotion
R - Reassurance


Your husband's Love Tank ran dry, the engine broke down, and now your marriage is stuck in a ditch by the side of the road? No need to
worry! Just sit back and have a nice cup of TEA while you call up Triple A to pull your marriage out of the rut.

TEA Triple A - roadside assistance for understanding the 6 primary love needs of men.

T - Trust
E - Encouragement
A - Admiration

A - Approval
A - Appreciation
A - Acceptance

Trust - When the wife's attitude is open and receptive toward her husband, he feels *trusted*. To trust a man is to believe that he is
doing his best and that he wants the best for his wife. This positive belief should be reflected by the wife's interactions with her

Example: The husband is trying to fix the kitchen sink. As he struggles with the wrench, the wife looks on and says, "Maybe you
should call a plumber..." The husband feels crushed because he thinks she doesn't trust him to do what's best for them. Instead, the wife
should refrain from giving unsolicited advice (except Islamic advice, of course).

Encouragement - When the wife expresses confidence in her husband's abilities and character, it fills him with hope and courage and he
feels *encouraged*.

Example: When the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) received the first revelation from Allah, he was terrified and sought comfort
with his wife Khadija. He said, "I fear that something may happen to me." Khadija replied, "Never! But have the glad tidings, for by Allah,
Allah will never disgrace you as you keep good relations with your kith and kin, speak the truth, help the poor and the destitute, serve
your guest generously and assist the deserving, calamity-afflicted ones." [Sahih Al-Bukhari]

Admiration - When the wife views the husband with wonder, delight, and pleased approval, the husband feels *admired*. Telling him what to do
as if he were a child does not make him feel admired. Admiration is when the wife is happily amazed by his unique characteristics or
talents like humor, strength, persistence, integrity, honesty, romance, kindness, love, understanding, etc.

Example: Once the prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) was sitting in a room with Aisha and fixing his shoes. It was very warm, and Aisha
looked to his blessed forehead and noticed that there were beads of sweat on it. She became overwhelmed by the majesty of that sight was
staring at him long enough for him to notice. He said, "What's the matter?" She replied, "If Abu Bukair Al-Huthali, the poet, saw you, he
would know that his poem was written for you." The Prophet (sallaAllahu 'alaihi wa sallam) asked, "What did he say?" She replied, "Abu
Bukair said that if you looked to the majesty of the moon, it twinkles and lights up the world for everybody to see." So the Prophet (salla
Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam) got up, walked to Aisha, kissed her between the eyes, and said, "Wallahi ya Aisha, you are like that to me and

[This was narrated in Dala'el Al-Nubuwa for Imam Abu Nu'aim with isnad including Imam Bukhari and Imam Ibn Khuzaina. Can someone please check
its authenticity?]

Approval - When the wife acknowledges the goodness in her husband and expresses overall satisfaction with him, the husband receives the
*approval* he needs. An approving attitude looks for the good reasons behind what the husband does (even if she doesn't agree with the act
itself). Every man wants to be his wife's hero. The sign that he's achieved that is his wife's approval.

Example: If the wife expresses her upset feelings indirectly with rhetorical questions like, "How could you do that?" he feels she has
taken away her approval of him. He no longer feels like the good guy.

Appreciation - When the wife acknowledges having received personal benefit and value from her husband's efforts and behavior, he feels
*appreciated*. When a man is appreciated, he knows his effort is not wasted and is thus encouraged to give more.

Example: Acknowledge what your husband has done for you instead of just complaining about what he has not done. If he doesn't hear your
appreciation, he won't continue his efforts.

Acceptance - When the wife lovingly receives her husband without trying to change him, he feels *accepted*. This accepting attitude
does not mean that she believes he is perfect, but it indicates that she is not trying to improve him and that she trusts him to make his
own improvements.

Example: Don't nag him about his bad habits or try to control his behavior by sharing upset or negative feelings. Sharing feelings is
ok, but not when used to punish or manipulate.

Ok, time to memorize it:

TEA Triple A

T - Trust
E - Encouragement
A - Admiration

A - Approval
A - Appreciation
A - Acceptance

When someone criticises or disagrees with you, a small ant of hatred and antagonism is born in your heart. If you do not squash that ant at once, it might grow into a snake, or even a dragon.
-Mathnavi of Maulana Rumi

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